Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize