my soul wont recognize me after tonight
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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