I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
