In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Randomize
