dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
