apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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