So drunk, too bad you don't want this
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
