i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Everything about him screamed your future.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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