from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
