If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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