he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
