I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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