I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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