I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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