Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
