My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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