I skipped work to stalk him.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
