My girlfriend figured out who you are.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
