I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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