dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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