Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
