I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
