I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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