My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
