I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
