she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
