I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
