You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
