what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
