bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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