she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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