How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
