i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
