I never want to see another naked old woman again.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
