The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
