Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
