I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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