just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
