So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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