oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
