It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
