Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
