I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
