ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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