you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
