i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
