I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
