i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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