dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
