dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
