I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
