gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
