Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
