I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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