I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
