Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
