my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My bed smells like the plague
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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