she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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