I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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