If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
