a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
