Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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