Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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