How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
