i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
