My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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