im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
