I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
