Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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