oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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