my vag is so smooth its legendary
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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