we have pet lesbian snakes
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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